


faith in others

by llien



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Just a hypothetical situation of Sora being in danger and Riku being dumb trying to save him again, M/M, Melodrama, Miscommunication, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llien/pseuds/llien
Summary: "That's not funny, Riku," Sora managed around the lump in his throat."It's not a joke," Riku sniffed, and the disdain was written all across his face in broad confident strokes, not a hint of humor present. "I can't even take a shower without you barging in to bother me about something, whining about this or that or making me do everything for you. Did you think it was cute? That it wouldn't annoy me?"Prompt: #4I thought you loved me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “The truth is, what I hate most are my self-doubts, my faith in others which makes me falsify myself…”-ANAÏS NIN
> 
> I struggled with settling between canon or a modern au for this one, and in the end went down a wild route. Just take it as some vague threat demanding Riku choose, and so of course he decides to save Sora. 
> 
> Am I going to write a single prompt that isn't a full-fledged fic? Who knows...

> 4\. I thought you loved me

Sora stood, hair dripping into his eyes from the shower at full blast, chest heaving as steam curled enticingly between them. Riku was scowling, features painted with disdain and irritation, a look that Sora had seen often, but never at him, never  _for_ him. It made his heart sink, made him feel dirty and disgusting, even as hot water began to soak his clothes. 

Normally, Riku was like an open book, familiar to Sora as the callouses of Riku's fingers were, something so achingly casual that its loss felt insurmountable. Now, Riku was like a still pond, depths unknown and hidden by the deceptive placid surface. Sora knew Riku was lying, knew he was hiding, but what he was, Sora couldn't tell. 

"What?" Sora breathed, water sliding down his cheeks and into the part of his lips as he spoke. Riku had shoved him hard against the tile for no seeming reason, even though Sora had just popped in to ask him something that seemed horribly mundane and unimportant now. Riku's hand was curled possessively tight in his collar, Riku so close Sora could feel the heat off his skin, and there was something in his gaze, a dark feeling Sora couldn't read. "Riku, what's wrong?"

At his question, Riku slowly, hesitantly let go, fingers uncurling from their death-grip on Sora's shirt, splaying them and smoothing the cloth back down before finally, with a second too long a delay, he pulled away entirely, the loss of his warmth stark.

"You are," Riku hissed, backing off from where he'd been steadily crowding Sora against the wall. The water had plastered his hair to his skin, clinging to him in wet waves. His shirt was visibly see-through now, something that normally might've stolen Sora's attention, but he felt too sick to really notice it. "I'm so sick of you."

Those words struck like broken glass, burying itself into Sora's gut, and his mouth parted mutely. Despite the shower being at full blast, Sora felt cold, sickened, nausea cradling him with teasing touches. He tried for a smile, but knew it was fragile, trembling with weakness. "That's not funny, Riku," Sora managed around the lump in his throat.

"It's not a joke," Riku sniffed, and the disdain was written all across his face in broad confident strokes, not a hint of humor present. "I can't even take a shower without you barging in to bother me about something, whining about this or that or making me do everything for you. Did you think it was cute? That it wouldn't annoy me?"

Sora's heart was sinking down, down, down, choking him with an iron grip on his lungs as he slowly shook his head. He hadn't thought it bothered Riku. In fact, he thought Riku enjoyed it. Every single interaction, every confident careless remark Sora had said, knowing Riku would tag along, was suddenly cast into doubt, like mud splattering on it, tinting all their moments together in a murky filthy shade of dirt.

Riku laughed at Sora, an ugly mocking sneer. It felt like with that laugh went every bit of comfort Sora had ever had. Was he annoying? A bother? Did Riku really hate everything about Sora?

"That's not true," Sora said feebly, because despite the doubt he still believed in Riku. One sudden declaration couldn't erase years and years of memories, couldn't tarnish a friendship built on scrapped knees and sand castles, on mutual sacrifice never regretted. "Come on, Riku, what's gotten into you?"

"Nothing," Riku dismissed with a wave of his hand. He stepped further back, until only Sora was being drenched by the persistent shower. "I just got fed up with it.  _Riku, give me your jacket_ this and  _Riku, tie my shoes_ that. Having to save you from darkness," he tacked on, and that was a wound still too tender to take a hit. It felt like he'd punched Sora in the solar plexus, a sharp breath-taking hit that shocked Sora. Riku had been the only one who'd never teased him about falling. Riku continued, gaze locked firmly away from Sora. "Did you think I liked being told what to do all the time? Cleaning up your messes? Having to make excuses for you?"

Sora opened his mouth and closed it. All the anger and disgust had faded from Riku's expression, until all that was left was a steady apathy. He was so handsome. Sora had always known in a subtle implicit way that Riku was, but staring at him with his green eyes carefully hidden, white lashes fetching and dotted with water, hair curling against his neck and cheeks, made it hit Sora powerfully then. 

The water was still drenching Sora, and he took a shaky shallow breath, reaching over to twist the handle shut. It cut off, and the silence between bloomed, suffocating Sora. He'd never had a problem before breaking into conversation, but it was like he'd lost all his words. There was nothing, nothing at all for him to say. It was like he couldn't think and simply felt. Again and again Riku's words echoed, filling his ears with cotton as he struggled to breathe. Riku wasn't looking at him, staring stubbornly at his feet, the only thing he'd gotten to take off before Sora had barged in to bother him.

"I-I don't know," Sora finally said, because something needed to break that silence. Riku looked so sad, hair covering his face and hands clenched at his sides, and Sora knew he had to do something. If Sora made Riku feel bad... if he made Riku angry... if Riku, who was the best person Sora had ever known, was upset because of something Sora did... then he had to be brave. "I guess," he tried to continue, but his voice broke. He bit back hard, took a deep breath through his nose, but on his exhale it was stuttered and weak. "I-I guess I thought you loved me like I love you. T-that," he brought the heels of his palms up to dig into his eyes, furious with himself that he couldn't do even this. "That we were best friends."

Sora couldn't deny that he still believed Riku would tell him it was all some sick joke. Instead, Riku laughed, short and mean. "Just because you thought so doesn't mean it was true."

Oh. 

For some reason, that made Sora's tears stop. He stared into the cage of his hands, unseeing. For one brief second, Sora believed him. Completely, utterly, without a trace of doubt, believed him.

But his stupid loyal heart kicked in, and he laughed instead. "Okay," he managed, wiping at his wet cheeks uselessly, since his hands were equally wet. "That's okay. I'll just go and find out why."

There was a beat of silence, and then Riku honest to God squawked.  _"What?"_

Sora nodded, giving up and moving to wring his shirt free of water. It splattered noisily on the tiled floor. "Well, what kind of friend would I be if I gave up?" Sora said, but his attempt at confidence was shaky. Still, he forged on. "If someone's putting you up to this, or you've got some dumb reason because you want to push me away to protect me again, then I'm gonna find out and convince you it's fine!"

"Sora," Riku growled in frustration, but Sora couldn't meet his gaze. "Don't. I'm done, don't you get it? I'm tired of this, of you."

Those words stung more than Sora would ever admit, but he smiled anyways. "If I gave up every time some version of you said that to me, we wouldn't be here.Though," he laughed a little emptily, "it doesn't ever really hurt any less." He shook his hair, spraying water everywhere, and lifted his feet one by one experimentally to see how much they dripped. Riku was blocking the entry to the walk in shower, so slowly, reluctantly, Sora looked at him.

He was flushed with anger, or embarrassment, Sora couldn't tell, and his chest was heaving with the force of his irritation. Sora seemed to have struck him mute, so he made to leave and Riku stepped aside. With his back to Riku, he curled his hand around the door jamb, lifting his other to wipe at his nose as he sniffled. "Don't worry, Riku, once I figure it out I'll... I'll be a better friend too. You're right, I'm probably really annoying, huh?" His laugh was obviously fake, and he let it die out of embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I should've... I shouldn't have been so..." 

He shook his head, and with as much strength and bravery as he could muster, he glanced over his shoulder to grin at Riku. "It'll be okay!"

Riku stared at him, pained, and then dropped his gaze. Sora took that as an answer and walked out. With every step, he told himself by the next one he'd stop crying, but with every step all he did was break a little more.

He was positive there was something more behind it, but even though every other time he'd been confident in his belief, now that belief was dragged down by Riku's words, compounded by everyone else's criticisms. Unreliable, dumb, annoying Sora, always needing to be saved. He should've known Riku would get tired one day. 

But Sora was determined. He'd fix this, be a better person, work harder, and maybe one day everyone would finally be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually Sora does figure out why Riku's acting like a dummy and fixes the problem, and Riku apologizes profusely and confesses that he adores everything about Sora, please don't stop bothering him for the rest of his life. Still, wounds like that are hard to heal...
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never had so many people demand a sequel lol. Well, here it is!! Some conflict resolution, a lot of talking, some vague allusions to all the feelings Sora ignores. It's gonna be fun!
> 
> “I promise I will love you as if it’s the only thing I’ve ever done correctly.”  
> -Rudy Francisco

> 8\. I never meant to hurt you

Sora knelt cradled in the light of Scala ad Caelum.

At his side, Riku watched wide-eyed as Sora slowly stood, staring down at the remains at his feet. True to his word, Sora had found the reason behind Riku's sudden animosity, and he'd dealt with it.

At first it'd been pleading, an offer of becoming friends, asking to talk, and finally devolving into a fight. Sora stared down at the fading darkness, face disturbingly blank. Riku's heart was hammering, fear of his reaction making him tremble. 

Riku knew it'd been stupid, knew he should've spoken to Sora, talked to Yen Sid, hell maybe even Kairi could've had some insight as an innate being of light, but Riku was always careless and impulsive when it came to Sora. 

He'd walked into the realm of darkness to leave Sora in the light, he'd followed a man hell-bent on revenge just to have a chance at saving Sora, he'd taken Roxas and Xion's lives into his hands like dandelion flowers and blown them away. There was no end to the list of things Riku had done for Sora, but as he watched Sora stand still, so uncharacteristically immobile, it hit Riku what each of those selfless acts had done.

They'd all carved their burden onto Sora's heart, had placed expectations and hopes and faiths onto his shoulders, until like Atlas he'd fallen to his knees under the weight, and then they'd scolded him for it. And Sora, whose heart was too kind, too self-effacing, had merely grinned and promised to try harder.

Sora moved aside to kneel beside the fading shadow, and when it reached up, Sora grasped its smokey hand, allowing it to cup his face. Its mouth was moving, but there was no sound and Riku couldn't read what it was saying, flashes of bio-luminescent light peeking with every part of its lips. Riku didn't really know what the creature was, aside from a distorted amalgamation of all of Sora's fears he'd refused to acknowledge.

That was the thing, with Sora. He saw the heart in things, and he made it real. He gave it life. What had been nothing but darkness and fears had been bestowed an existence, and it'd sought to survive. Had cornered Riku in Sora's dreams, and confessed with glittering glowing pride that every headache, every sickness, every curious bleed and bruise Sora had been experiencing was at its hands. How else to get a body but to take the one it belonged to?

Acknowledging Riku as its natural enemy, the nightmare had sworn that the closer Riku stayed, the worse Sora would get, and like every other impulsive thoughtless thing Riku had done for Sora, he'd immediately acquiesced, pushing Sora away. 

But, Sora had a way of getting what he wanted, and so Riku stood watching while Sora accepted the darkness that had festered with rage and fury, wailing like an abandoned child with not a soul to love it. Sora reached down with all the compassion in the world to hug the part of himself he'd never acknowledged, had always pushed aside to insist it did not exist. He curved his arms around it, bringing it close, and it broke into fractals of light, catching in the sunlight and disappearing as sunspots danced across Riku's vision.

For the first time, Sora spoke. "I wish," he began, staring at his empty arms, curved around emptiness, "that he'd had a name."

Riku thought,  _but it was you._

He thought,  _it'd only have your name._

He thought,  _if you'd given it one, then you would've tried to give it a body, and then where would we be?_

Riku was afraid. He didn't know what would happen if Sora kept breaking his heart to give it to others. He was selfish, and spoiled, and never learned his lesson. He was scared, that one day Sora would have nothing left to give. But, he kept his mouth shut, thoughts caged where Sora couldn't hear them and look at him, disappointed.

But it didn't matter if Riku stayed quiet. Sora tilted his head to gaze at him, and where before he'd worn his heart on his sleeve, shamelessly and freely showed every flicker of emotion he felt in front of Riku, now it was shuttered away, something unreadable in Sora's blue eyes.

 _I did this,_ Riku's stomach sank with dread,  _I changed him._

"Sora," Riku said, and his voice was all wrong, scratched raw and sad, pain lined in the grooves of scars. "I'm sorry."

There was no grin, no easy smile, no forgiveness given before Riku had even asked for it. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, unable to meet Sora's eyes and staring at his shoes, hands clenching at his sides. "You kept getting headaches, and being sick,"  _and I'm the worst because I couldn't bear to watch you in pain, to wake up in the middle of the night to you throwing up, I couldn't do it even though I know that's what you would've wanted instead of this,_ "and it told me... it said it'd stop hurting you if I stayed away."

Sora remained silent, and Riku grit his teeth, glancing to the side and throat aching as his heart started to beat faster. His hands itched, like he wanted to scratch, and his chest hurt with the force of his panic. "I," he felt breathless, "I'm sorry."

He heard the shift of Sora moving to stand, and in his peripheral saw him approach. Terror seized Riku, at whatever Sora might say, that he might not forgive Riku, that he  _would,_ that Riku would add another burden to Sora and he couldn't live with himself if he did.

Guilt had a vice grip on Riku, and it was dragging him down to drown.

Warm, calloused hands grasped one of Riku's hands, and both of Sora's enfolded his, holding Riku's tenderly. It brought a fresh wave of suffocation over Riku, as he tried to swallow around the knot in his throat. 

"It's okay, Riku," Sora began, and something in Riku tore like paper shredded in half.

 _"It's not!"_ Riku spat, jerking to face Sora. "You didn't see your face, the way you looked at me! I tried my best to hurt you and I know I did, Sora, I could see it." See the way confidence crumbled behind Sora's eyes, saw the disenchantment with Riku, saw the way Riku had ruthlessly broken the foundation Sora had built all his faith on in the past few years. Saw Sora try to smile anyways. 

"It's alright," Sora tried again, voice watery, and Riku stared at the desperate, pleading grin Sora wore. 

Riku wondered which was better, to fight for Sora to love himself, or to give Sora the comfort he so desperately desired? If there was a middle ground Riku could tread, if he could somehow pay his penance and earn what Sora gave too freely?

"Stop," Riku whispered, slowly, carefully reaching for Sora's hands. His nails were blunt, knuckles a little too big, and his palm was rough from gripping a weapon for the better part of three years. He stared down at Sora's hands cupped in his, eyes watering with frustration and self-hate and love. "Don't do this to yourself. Why don't you blame me?"

"Because I know it hurt you," Sora said simply, as if the was the most obvious reasonable answer in the world. "You did it for me."

"I could've found another way," Riku pressed, squeezing Sora's hands too tight. "I could've tried harder. I could've fought that nightmare by myself, I could've asked Yen Sid, or Kairi, or Ven or Roxas, or even Vanitas. I could've told you and we could've worked together." Every single flaw, every other alternative had crushed Riku the moment Sora had tried to comfort him with  _It'll be okay!_

"It's  _fine,"_ Sora insisted, voice breaking.

"It's  _not!"_

"Let it go!" Sora hissed, tugging on his hands but Riku held on tight. "Why are you so stuck on blaming yourself? We beat the bad guy, I'm back to normal, we're fine! Why can't we just go back to before?"

"Because  _I_  can't," Riku broke, jerking at Sora until he met his eyes. Riku was tearing up, and he  _hated_ crying, hadn't cried since the time Sora spent gone, and before that since he'd been asleep and loneliness had buffeted Riku like a storm. But, Sora would always move him violently, like a maelstrom. "Sora, I can't live with myself like this. I can't handle knowing I might hurt you again, that I'd do anything to keep you safe. You're my best friend," he whispered, voice dropping so low the ocean breeze nearly obscured it. 

Sora's eyes were wide, unfathomably blue and shiny with repressed emotion, and Riku trembled. "You mean the world to me, there's  _no point_ if you're not there. But, I," he took a shuddering breath, "what's  _wrong_ with me that I keep hurting you?"

"You just care about me," Sora said, sniffling and attempting a confident grin, but the words fell flat, were too hollow with insecurity. 

"You don't believe that anymore," Riku whispered, stunned with realization. Every other time he'd doubted Sora's faith in him, it'd been thankfully proven wrong, but now... now it was true. 

"I do!" Sora insisted.

"You don't," Riku shook his head. "And that's my fault. I never meant to hurt you, not like this," Riku said, hoping and praying Sora knew. That he could understand how deeply Riku meant it. 

Sora remained quiet, face struck in this odd expression Riku couldn't pin down. Something like awe, or surprise, or disbelief, or maybe a strange cumulation of the three. "You know," Sora began, hands twisting to grasp Riku's back. "I've never heard you say that."

Riku frowned, confused. "Say what, exactly?"

"All of that," Sora, gesturing with one hand except they were still conjoined so he just jerked Riku's to the side as well. "Meaning the world to you. That. I've always just had to believe in your actions."

Riku blinked. It felt like he never  _stopped_ talking about Sora, about how much Sora meant to him, about how he'd do anything to keep Sora safe. He thought back, looking for the last time he'd told Sora anything about it, but realized he couldn't remember a single instance. A ton where he'd told  _others,_ but none where he'd told Sora himself, arguably the one person who should've heard it.

"I guess," Riku said slowly, "every time I'm with you, I'm just happy to be there." He didn't know how to convey the way every moment with Sora existed as is, no pretense or complicated thinking. Riku was always himself with Sora, living in the moment of being beside him. "I never thought to... say it, or something."

"It's nice to hear," Sora quipped, and finally his smile was genuine.

But Riku shook his head, refusing to get side-tracked. "Then I'll say it more often. I'll say it every chance I get. I just want to make sure you're happy, Sora."

"Then don't leave me," Sora demanded, stepping so close that Riku had to resist the urge to back away. "Don't push me away, don't protect me because it hurts. Just... stay beside me. That's all I want." He laughed, a tiny watery sound. "And maybe say what you think more often."

Hesitantly, Riku leaned down, until their foreheads brushed and he could nearly kiss Sora's cheek. This close, Sora's face was shadowed, but his eyes were fever-bright. "I'm sorry," Riku whispered. "Even though I'm no good, I still want to be your friend."

Sora scowled, tip-toeing to bump Riku back and they swayed with the energy rocking back and forth. "Don't  _say_ that," Sora squeezed Riku's hands, then interlaced their fingers, "you just think too much sometimes, but you'll always be my best friend. If... if you'll let me."

 _"Okay,"_  Riku's voice came out tiny, working its way around the rock still lodged in his throat. He wasn't done apologizing, or trying to make up for it, and he knew with dead-certainty that making Sora believe in him again was going to take much more work, but all Riku wanted was to earn it back. He'd do whatever it took, however long it'd take.

"Good," Sora whispered, closing his eyes. And for a moment, standing there in a port town and the only two alive in a world of dreams, so close they could kiss, things felt okay. Felt salvageable. 

Riku closed his eyes and sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it feels like a cop-out on them actually getting together but... idk. Sora really needs to work past forgiving others so easily for things that very much demand penance, and Riku needs to learn that sacrificing for someone else's benefit will hurt them, too. It's frustrating, that Riku wants to earn forgiveness while Sora just wants to give it because all he wants is to literally be beside Riku and keep his friends.
> 
> Vulnerability between them is at once there and at the same time not. They're both equally willing yet hesitate. I feel in a dream world, it's easier to confess or be open, especially with no one around to see. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> twitter | _oathbreaker


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